1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
home. puking in laundry basket.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
