Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
