thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
