it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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