I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
