so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
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Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
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I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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