i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
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I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
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Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Someone came in the potted fern
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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