he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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