I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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