this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
