i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
