i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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