I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
