speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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