What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My liver just had a heart attack.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The struggles of a small town man whore
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
