he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
