oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
