You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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