his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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