I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
