Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
