True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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