I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
