ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
