There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
