Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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