Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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