I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
