Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
