You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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