I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
