wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
