I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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