Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
