im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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