im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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