Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
