How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
