My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
