Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
