I wish I could teleport
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
