Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
