I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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