Screwed.edu
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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