I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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