You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Randomize
