theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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