I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
