i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
