I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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