I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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