he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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