11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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