toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
