i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My dick has a subreddit
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
