I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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