alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
