exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
